Thursday, September 12, 2013

Why I Became a Stealth Frugalista

First, “Stealth Frugality” is not quite the same thing as what most frugalists advocate, authors like Amy Dacyczyn of Tightwad Gazette fame, the still-reigning queen of frugality. And Stealth Frugality is definitely NOT about:

(1) Crafty, sometimes dishonest ways to make people think you are wealthier than you are. It’s a very different mindset from that.

(2) Stingy, white knuckled cheapness, where you never buy anything you don’t absolutely have to, and when you do have to buy something, it’s invariably either second-hand or the cheapest available at the bargain depot.

Both of those approaches enshrine money as the most important deciding factor in your life and decisions. You either try to manufacture illusions that you have more than you really do, or you base every decision almost completely on how little of this limited resource you can get away with letting go of. Either way, money becomes the paramount factor in how you run your life.

And that is simply wrong. Life is not about money and "stuff." The cliches are really true. The very best things in life are free, and money absolutely does not buy happiness.

The whole point of the "Stealth" part of my paradigm is to not annoy people, to not incite pity or a guilty feeling in others that they should "do something" for me, such as always pay for my lunches and cabs. Don't you know people who do that? Talk unendingly about how poor they are, seemingly hoping that someone will step in and pay for things for them, or at least feel sorry for them? That is sooooo boring!

I have a friend who is also a relative by marriage. She's been very wealthy, and now, in her 70s, she's progressively become very poor. Let's call her M. I've honestly never seen anyone make worse money decisions, and so she has made an unfortunate situation much worse than it needs to be. Some of this had to do with planning, and some with day-to-day spending decisions. But I never call to check on her, or take her to lunch, but that I'm regaled with a string of complaints about how poor she is, and how she can't pay her doctor, or this or that. It's really tedious, and no wonder nobody enjoys being around her.

Well, you might say, I AM poor, and there are a lot of things I cannot afford to pay for, either. Sure, but there are other, gentler ways of dealing with and communicating this. Honesty should be one of them, but you don't have to use a "poor me" way of conveying the fact that you can't afford everything your richer friends and relatives can. 

In fact, you probably COULD afford much of what you say you can't. But if your resources are limited, you just have to pick and choose. You need to make it about priorities. You COULD afford that BMW, for example, but to do so you might have to live in a refrigerator carton in the park and give up eating. Same thing with a lot of expensive "stuff." In fact, this whole process of prioritization can be kind of humorous, and when you occasionally have to explain why you've decided not to take that trip, or buy that new car, or whatever - a lighthearted remark about having other things you want more makes sense to even the most well-off folks, and if you do it right, it won't make them feel sorry for you. Even rich people have to prioritize, and they will understand this.

And to do this consistently, you need to have a totally different mindset from those hang-dogs who go around crying poverty. You need to be grateful and appreciative of what you have. You need to have a positive attitude, for sure, and that attitude will free your mind and creativity so that you can take full advantage of what you have and what is available to you. Life as a Stealth Frugalist is so much nicer, for you and everyone around you.

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