Saturday, September 28, 2013

A Little Whine for my Birthday. Or, Regaining Balance

This week is my birthday. I'll be 67 years old, and that is really starting to feel old, no matter how often I hear, "65 is the new 40." Truth is, my biggest problem is my health, not my age or my income. And compared to most people my age who I know, my health issues would be considered very minor. I acknowledge that... but I also know that I am very dissatisfied with my overweight condition and my lack of energy. Really, the lack of energy is more concerning to me than the extra pounds I'm carrying.

Energy is the fuel of life... without it, you don't do a lot. You certainly don't live well. Instead, you sit around and accomplish little. Is that what anyone wants for their retirement years? I want... no, need... to feel more energetic, to have more mental get-up-and go, as well as the physical strength to do it. I don't drive, so walking everywhere is what I do, along with taking the bus. And I noticed this week that gradually I've been going out less, shopping less. It's kind of crept up on me. I haven't been to the mall for months and months, for example. And this week, when I scheduled two tutoring appointments at the library, one in the morning and one in the early evening, I barely made it to the first, and ended up cancelling the second. It was the 20-minute walk to the library, not the tutoring itself, that I couldn't deal with. I was just exhausted after making the round trip twice each of the two previous days. Maybe it was my seasonal allergies, or fighting off the cold virus that is going around.

But I actually think this was partially mental, 'cause honestly, I'm becoming bored with doing for others all the time. I realize that nobody is really doing much of anything for me... it's all going the other way. Babysitting the grandkids - three nights last week- and hours of volunteer teaching and tutoring, a task that's been increasing in scope as new students keep showing up. My grandchildren are nice, and appreciative, as are my students. It's just that I sometimes start feeling like I'm putting out so much more than I'm getting back. And then I start feeling sorry for myself, and that in itself is not healthy and is energy-sapping.

I guess the solution is to take better care of myself, not just physically, but emotionally, too. Actually, a couple of the ladies in my knitting group said as much to me last month. They said they felt I needed to put more priority on the things I want to do. (I had been unable to participate in a couple of group events because of tutoring/teaching commitments.) That the students were damn lucky to have me available, but should understand that I need to take time off for the things I want to do. I kind of brushed off the comments. But now I think they were picking up on something I needed to address.

So here I am, taking stock. I don't intend to do an about-face and commence a self-centered life where I do only what directly benefits me. But I need to set closer limits on what I do for others, including family. Because, frankly, nobody's reciprocating to any extent, including my family. If I want to be taken care of, I had better learn to do it for myself.

And that's the key, I think. You should take very good care of yourself in every way, and not worry about having others do for you. Do so much good stuff for yourself that whatever others do for you is nice, but not necessary. Make your life so great, so satisfying and fun, that you don't really need a lot of help from family and friends. You're not emotionally dependent on calls, attention, gifts, etc. If they come... how nice! If not, so what? You have enough already.

Now, I'm not proposing being the proverbial island. We all need to be around others, to have friends and family around us. I'm just saying we need to give up any dependency. And I believe that for us who are older, especially when we live alone, it's all to easy to get into a dependency mindset. To become a little bit emotionally dependent on others, and to then be disappointed when we don't get what we need.

And here's something else I'm realizing. If we feel disappointed when those we do things for, whom we help in various ways, do not reciprocate significantly... or at all... then we are probably doing too much. How much is too much will differ for each of us. But I've discovered that I have reached and then exceeded my own capacity for "doing good." I need to step back, set new limits, and then concentrate on taking better care of myself and my own needs. Not just physical, but emotional, tool. I have a need for entertainment, fun, learning, exploration,.. even shopping... and these are not being fully met at this time. I'm not superwoman, and so part of the problem is that spending so much time doing things for others saps the energy I need to do things for myself. It also eats up a lot of my time.

So... this week my focus will be on starting to regain balance. I will continue my class and tutoring, but tutoring will be limited to two weekdays and the Saturday afternoon class. I need, too, to limit trips to the library, for said tutoring, to one per day. And, most importantly, I need to limit the number of students I teach and tutor. This may take some time, and I'll have to let normal attrition take care of reducing student numbers, but I'm going to do it.

I will inventory what I want to do and accomplish is the rest of my time, and make plans accordingly. Lunch with friends, starting that yoga class, shopping, gardening, entertaining, And catching up with friends I've let kind of drop away because I didn't seem to have the emotional energy to maintain ties. If I want to live well, I'm going to have to learn to recapture this balance.

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